"Don't Say It, Show It."

There are some days I want to mute Christians. Considering I am on staff at a church that is probably not the best thing to admit, but give me a chance to explain. For twelve years I have been blessed to receive a Christian education, but in all of my twelve years do you know what I remember the most? The empty words.

In the culture of the town I grew up and still live in, it seems like people most people who claim to love Jesus have one thing in common: their language. Although I was never informed, I’m certain there must be some secret religious word bank that inspires people who claim to follow Christ to attach religious phrases to common conversation—as if for every word they used they were gaining some brownie point that could be redeemed in Heaven.  If what I suspect is really happening, I hope I end up losing this word bank game.

I am not at all saying that people should avoid all words that sound religious. I am just suggesting that perhaps, unknowingly, we have given them a bit too much control of our vocabulary. The other day I was in a meeting about my major class changes when a professor explained the reason class names were being changed:

“After considering the marketability of our program, the value of our graduates, and of course the leading of the Holy Spirit we have decided to make some changes to the major.”

In my opinion that’s a bit ridiculous. Did they really pray about changing the course name from Mass Media Communications to Media and Pop Culture? Okay, lets give them the benefit of the doubt here and say that yes, they did. Still—the more we hear phrases the more desensitized we become to them. I think that if Christians kept their mouths shut a little more and thought about the meaning of the phrases they used we would use them much more sparingly, and they would have a much greater impact.

One of my writing professors has a saying I hear all too often when editing my work: “Don’t say it, show it.” While it can make me cringe in the classroom, it gives me hope in the church. If as Christians, we made it a priority to show Christ in our lives rather than say He is there, I know we would truly change the world.

There is really only one time of the year I hear the word bank game slow down. It seems as if during Lent people leave their religious phrases at the door. I assume it is partially because there really aren’t too many religious phrases you can tag onto this beautiful season. Jesus did not speak to me to give up chocolate for sixty days. The Holy Spirit did not lead me to participate in this adventurous yet difficult sacrificial journey.  I chose to, completely of my own accord.

There is something magical about Jesus without obligation. I was raised non-denominational so the Lenten season was never a sacrifice I was even subjected to until I was in high school. I have, however, participated in many Christian activities out of obligation. I have attended mandatory chapel services several times a week for years. I was raised going to church at least twice a week. Now I am on staff at a church where the obligation is much more of a joy, but it still requires going to three services a week. I do many things out of obligation, but participating in the Lenten season is not one of them. I suppose that is why I love lent so much. I feel like I have the opportunity to show Jesus just how much I love Him, in a way I quite honestly don’t have to.

I find grace in Jesus without obligation. I find it in the urge I have for that bag of M&Ms. I find it in the movie line that was never intended to point to Christ. I find it the lyric of the song on the retreat I didn’t have to volunteer for. I find grace when God is shown, and not merely spoken of.

Lent screams, “Don’t say it, show it.” I suppose it is that pervasive theme that has allowed this precious season to endure throughout time. I sincerely hope that in this Lenten season you find grace in showing God your love for Him despite obligation. Because while there is most definitely a place for words from Jesus and faithfully seeking God with a body of believers, we have to fight for the place to show the world Jesus, and not merely speak of Him.

Lent(ils)

It's the beginning of the lenten season, one of the holiest times in the Christian calendar, and as I sit in a coffee shop thinking about the weight of what this season means, I am struck by the gravity of my occasional abuse of grace. As I have indicated in previous blogs, I have at times been guilty of pursuing my own goals with God as the supposed focus, but myself as the true aim. It's something we all struggle with- I get that- but it's something to be confronted with the reality of our own selfishness and to be asked by a holy God to let him be God in our lives. It's overwhelming to think that there's a plan that has been set in motion before the foundation of the earth and here I am trying to make it work, as if my actions can make or unmake God's ultimate will. It's much easier to submit and let God be God in my life without him having to continually humble me (as he has had to do of late). But none of that is the point of this blog (I know, but you should be used to my digressive ramblings at this point).

Lent is about reflecting on the days leading up to the death and resurrection of Christ. This season is about thinking through how God was so desirous of our restoration that he was willing to sacrifice so much so that we could be drawn back to Him. What's even more marvelous to me though, is the idea that God still allows us to "taste and see that the Lord is good." I mean, with that much sacrifice, He is still willing to give us the latitude to taste His goodness, kick the tires, and test His faithfulness out for ourselves. His patience is outstanding, but I guess when you're eternal, 6 or 2 or 10 or 20 years of wandering in the proverbial wilderness are nothing. Thank God for His eternal patience.

As I enter into this lenten season, I am entering with a perspective that I don't think I've had in any previous season of my life, lenten or otherwise. I am a part of a greater plan that I didn't start and can't finish. I am a part of a greater story for God's glory and I was created to bring glory to the name that is above every name and who is seeking to draw all people to himself. It's extremely liberating to know that it's not my deal to start, fix, or finish. My deal is to submit and ask God, "what's next?" My job is to move out of the way so that God can be fully God without me fighting to wrest control for my life and my part of the story from his grasp. It's freeing to know that my days were planned out, and while there is a part that I must play (faith without works is dead and all), ultimately it is on a path that God is leading me down if I would just let Him. So, this lent, my prayer is for the continued revealing of how I am supposed to play my part in the greater story. How are my days to be counted amongst the scores that have gone before and will come after? How am I to be my beloved's and he be mine?

What's your focus and prayer during this lent?

Stepping Back...

So, here’s the skinny.  About five years ago, I left a steady (albeit mind numbing) job at my alma matter to venture out into the world of…something.  Always a bit of a restless soul, I was unhappy with the direction (or what I felt was lack thereof) from some of my superiors and the sense of ineptitude I was covering for on a regular basis.  So, I struck out on my own- into the vast sea of supposed (that’s suppose-ed) opportunity seeing what my hand could find to do.  Now, several years later, with much more wisdom and much less naïveté, I find myself facing a crossroads.  It’s hinted at in my last post, but let me expound a little bit.  I want more.

As I have previously stated, I grew up in a house of dreamers, a house of believers in the impossible, and quite honestly, I think I adopted much of that thinking.  In fact, my sister has taken to classifying me as the believer out of the three siblings (she’s the dreamer, and my youngest is the striver/achiever- makes for a really great tattoo should I ever man up and get one).  I see what it is possible to do or be, should that be in writing, creative enterprise, people’s lives, job potential, saving Ethiopian jungle pumas (ok, I made that last one up), and I know that it can and will happen.  So I strive towards the goal of whatever that thing is with faith like a monster and an unquenchable fervor.  It’s served me well in some instances, like when rallying the troops in the last hours of an event when they’re all tired and underpaid, like believing with a friend for a miracle that seems to be slipping out of his or her grasp, the list could go on.  But I sometimes and currently find myself fearing that I’m doing myself a disservice by extending that same thing to me.  What I mean is, I’ve been believing that my God given connections, hard work, and skill sets would pay off, knowing that I am called to something more, and not understanding why the time for that more isn’t happening in the timeframe a little closer to my choosing.  I mean, I have friends who are already well on their way to successful careers- and yet I still struggle with monthly bills.

So, I’ve taken jobs that have been rife with potential, believing that the fulfilled potential was just around the corner, even if it meant I had to struggle and suffer a little bit right now.  While that’s a great idea, and one that I don’t necessarily disagree with, that “right now” season has been about five years long.  It might be time for a change.  That change might (and probably does) mean a reintroduction into the corporate workforce that I have eschewed for so long, and a momentary tabling of (not giving up on) these lofty dreams and ideals to which I have held for so long.  In short, I think I’m temporarily throwing in the towel on working on my dreams, just so that I can live my life.  That doesn’t mean I’m not going to dream, nor does it mean I’m going out looking for the first job that comes my way.  It does mean that the pursuit of where I see myself ultimately is not important right now.  If I get there, I get there, and I have little control over that process right now, save continuing to be myself, with all the dreams and passion bubbling right below the surface.  Right now, I have to live basic life, the kind with the eating, strong friendships, deep conversations, and fun that I haven’t had in abundance throughout the past several years.  I need to be a 27 year old man who has 60+ years ahead of him to fulfill whatever the heck it is he’s supposed to in this life.  I wish that day was today, but since it’s not…plan b.

Why the change of heart? This all came to a head last night.  I spent the good majority of the night in various stages of discomfort in a hospital waiting room, then triage room, then exam room having tests run and blood drawn, x-rays shot, and IVs pumped all because I had the misfortune of contracting some virus that presented me with a 104^o fever and lots of other, well… bad stuff.  As I sat in the discharge center and they plied me with questions that were about as invasive as some of the tests, the gravity of it all hit me.  I have limited resources (that’s a nice way to say that I’m broke), no insurance, and no prospects of getting any anytime soon should current situations continue.  I’ve got a job I love, but it too is so much potential.  The cycle is again repeating itself- and at some point it has to stop.  So I choose that day to be today.  So, monster.com, and whatever else is out there, I’m coming for you, and you’re going to yield your secrets and point me in the direction of jobs and stability.  Friendships that are deeper and more abiding, keep an eye out, I’m headed your way too, we’ve been apart for far too long, food- it’ll be good to see you again in regular and larger quantities, and to any naysayers (internal or external), I’ve not given up.  As Captain John Paul Jones said, “I have not yet begun to fight,” I’m just making a strategic retreat for now.  And maybe that’s grace for me right now.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I've got this girl cousin who THINKS she knows me...no wait, that's not where I want to start...but remember it, so I don't have to say it again.

I'm sick...101 degree fever, some type of virus my doctor said...stay in bed with daily doses of ______ and ____________ until the fever breaks, which said nothing about how I would deal with the fatigue and dizziness and sinus headaches and congestion and shallow breathing. But doctor's orders are doctor's orders so, "in bed" is where I've been for more hours in the past 5 days than in probably the last 3 weeks. Seriously. I'm used to being busy. I'm used to running on fumes and not even recognizing that I'm doing it. I've just become accustomed to operating on little to no sleep. But had I become used to operating in a manner that was anything but optimal?

My girl cousin said to me: maybe God wants you to get some rest. Did I take that as blasphemy? Almost. I was offended, as though I was so hard headed that God would have to get His point across like this...like I had ignored so many gentle nudges until finally, I had to be knocked on my butt. Just today, when asking me about something that she'd no doubt asked me about before, and which I'd no doubt had an answer (not quite rehearsed, but just as polished) about where it was located very near to the top of my list of priorities, but not quite number 1 at the moment...she said: "i know that ur a busy man w/tons of things on ur plate. (that's my nice way of saying you're forgetful some times)" Okay...ouch! Not the best way to ask for my help...by calling me on my stuff. Well, that would be if I was so prideful as not to see when a good stabbing was deserved.

But is God's grace in this situation turning around a bad situation and mining the essential minerals of goodness out of it? I've gotten a chance to actually do some work while lying in this bed, as opposed to talking about doing the work...whenever I finally got a chance. And, oh goodness, is their time to think!!! This, I've found is helpful for real prioritization...the kind that is determined by plan and not by circumstance. I will never tell my cousin that she knows me, because she will eventually find out anyway. She's won too easily already and should have to work for something, shouldn't she? Don't answer that. I'm convinced of it and that settles it for me. Thanks anyway and thanks for listening.

The painful in between

There's this interesting concept that's been rolling around in my head.  It's something I haven't been able to shake for quite some time and since it is all too well known amongst my friends that I process best when I write, I figured I would give it a go.  My question is this- at what point does dreaming become an exercise in futility?  More specifically, at what point do we retire (or perhaps put on hold) the pursuit of dreams for the realities of surviving in daily life?

I was raised in a household that taught and encouraged my sisters and I to shoot for the stars, to believe that anything could be accomplished, and that there was nothing which could not be done if one put their minds and expertise to it.  I grew up believing that failing was to not try, not to not succeed when you did (was that confusing to anyone).  I saw a father who, even at the point of his death, had not seen the realization of his dreams- but even then he dreamed.  He left behind a strong name, passion for people, and an ability to dream that was unmatched, but not necessarily a sense of what it looked like to see those dreams accomplished.  Of late, I have felt that I have been following suit.  What I mean is this- I have been striving for some indeterminate dream for quite some time now...and I still don't seem to be getting anywhere for all my dreaming.  

More times than I can count, I have struck out with little but a dream- no plan, no actionable items, just a passion to do...something more than I currently found myself doing.  And, more times than I can count, I have found myself in this exact place- desperately wanting more, but being confronted with the reality that what I have now is barely enough.  All around me, I see friends and associates accomplishing their dreams, I see what appears to be God's blessing on the various aspects of their lives.  I see marriages thrive, careers taking off, lives being lived with a joy and an abandon that only comes with something I can't quite put my finger on.  And here I sit with a dream that is as of yet unfulfilled.  I sit in between what I feel is a destiny and the reality of the shortcomings of my right now, and it hurts.  

It hurts because I feel directionless at times.  It hurst because I feel like I'm spinning my wheels without really gaining any traction.  It hurts because I don't even know how to make it stop.  And before you pose the standard answer, yes I pray- dear God do I pray!  I pray for direction, I pray for correction where I'm missing it, I pray for favor, I pray for humility, I pray for boldness, I pray for inventiveness.  Truth be told, I pray for anything I can think of that will help me get past this, this...place that I've been in for far too long.  And yet I'm still here.  And I don't know what else to do.

But do I give up on dreaming?  Do I decide that the pursuit of a dream isn't worth it, and instead decide to chase the available and expedient?  Do I fold my hand and throw in the cards (ironic references considering that I suck at all things gambling) and instead decide to just drone on through life?  We all believe, or at least want to believe, that there's a more to which we are called; a greater that we are supposed to accomplish.  But what is that for me?  There are talents and abilities that people continually point out in me, but where have they ever gotten me- I mean, really gotten me, in the long run?  Better yet, have I held onto my supposed "talents" for too long when I should have just been putting nose to the grindstone and doing what was necessary to survive daily?  Yes, I mean regular things like just getting a "regular" job that has things like benefits and health insurance.  But I also mean so much more and so many other things which are entirely intangible.  Things like is "fulfillment" that important in your job, or is that just a crutch to keep you from working hard at something you don't particularly care for?

I've got more questions than answers right now.  There will undoubtedly be more to come.

Delivery Time

It’s been awhile… a long duration since I’ve exposed the inner Brittany to the world. At first it was a serious case of writer’s block, followed then by an inability to vomit out the words that were lurking within me - where I couldn’t communicate what or who I was to myself or to anyone else. That has changed.

I, for some time now, have been in a period of gestation – what I believe to be a season where old dreams come to life. A time of rebirth.

In all the pain that I walked through over the last nine months, I felt – from its conception – that this was a John 16 moment [John 16:20-22]. The scripture refers to a woman in labor who suffers pain and anguish; however, upon the birth, she is so overcome with joy that she remembers that pain – but feels it no longer. When reading that passage many months ago, I too, felt that I was in that place. A place upon which I suffered and felt the pangs of something that was alive within me, yet hopeful of what would spring forth from it.

I write today to celebrate [the eve of] nine months. I truly feel that this gestation period has ended, and my initial instinct was accurate. Life has been breathed into what I thought was stale and decomposed. Dreams and talents have been restored and I am so grateful to the Lord for it. This season was initially stemmed from brokenness of an unfaithful relationship, and it has taken me until today to forgive him. Today… I feel free.

I have encountered more of God’s grace [at least that I am aware of] during this time than I ever have in my entire life, and I know that there is a direct correlation between the release of bitterness and unforgiveness towards that [hu]man in order to be free and fully release the regeneration of the dreams I felt were dead and gone.

Words cannot express the joy I feel when I look at where I’ve been and where I am now. I have completed an insanely long journey! I look at the opportunities that are knocking on my door, and I am simply floored by the accuracy of timing during these nine months – even to the point where I reflect on the last three months [last trimester] and discover how much I have grown, developed, and redefined who I am.

So, Happy [re]birth-day Briniloo! Its delivery time.

Grace as process

Ok, so a lot has obviously been written within these pages about the subject of grace (I mean it is the purpose of this whole thing). But recently I've been thinking more and more about the idea of grace as a transformative agent in our lives. What I mean is this: grace is more than just an extension of God's love to us situationally, it is more than just an experience by experience ability granted to us by God to overcome, it is more than just a flash in the pan moment of divine sovreignity that delivers us from...whatever. No, I think that Grace is the power to change. More than that, grace is the time laden process whereby God draws us closer to himself and HIS purpose for our life.

Let's take Saul/Paul for example. Here was a man who rather blatantly and openly persecuted the church of Christ. Scripture is replete with his retelling of how he had a hand in, or often directed the hand that brought about the death of countless believers. Along comes God on a road to what was probably a further inquisition of followers of Christ (yes, the Bible *is* silent about why Saul was going to Damascus, but since he was the chief persecutor, is it really that far of a stretch to believe that's why he was going), and Saul's life becomes radically changed and he begins to espouse the very same things he once ridiculed and sought to destroy. The question becomes, what was grace in that story? It's easy to see how the road to Damascus experience was God stepping into the realm of Paul's existence to confront him with salvation, but what about the times leading up to that? Do the moments when he was part of the attempted destruction of the church count as grace? I would venture to say yes.

What do I mean by that? Paul's persecuting was a part of his story, and it's the reason the latter portion of it is so powerful. Paul's choosing to deny Christ was necessary in order for his ultimate acceptance of Christ to carry its truest and weightiest value. In short, grace was being shown to Paul by allowing him to thumb his nose at what he would ultimately embrace because it could serve as the fuel for his vigor in winning "the lost" to Christ. Sure, the Damascus road was the catalyst, but all the time leading up to that moment would later serve as the fuel to keep the momentary experience going strong and that much more effective.

So, what's my point? Your hard times are grace because they are ultimately a part of a narrative that is much greater than what you currently find yourself mired in. No, that doesn't mean that you should just roll over and accept whatever negative things come your way as being "part of God's plan," but it does mean that you should realize that it is part of a story still unfolding. It has been said that the kingdom of God is "now and still not yet," meaning that God is simultaneously present in our current circumstances as well as the future when those circumstances change because He is outside of time. So look forward, and know that all that we face now is a part of the victory we attain when we take hold of that "prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus."

Pursue. Original. And Merry Christmas.