Lent(ils)

It's the beginning of the lenten season, one of the holiest times in the Christian calendar, and as I sit in a coffee shop thinking about the weight of what this season means, I am struck by the gravity of my occasional abuse of grace. As I have indicated in previous blogs, I have at times been guilty of pursuing my own goals with God as the supposed focus, but myself as the true aim. It's something we all struggle with- I get that- but it's something to be confronted with the reality of our own selfishness and to be asked by a holy God to let him be God in our lives. It's overwhelming to think that there's a plan that has been set in motion before the foundation of the earth and here I am trying to make it work, as if my actions can make or unmake God's ultimate will. It's much easier to submit and let God be God in my life without him having to continually humble me (as he has had to do of late). But none of that is the point of this blog (I know, but you should be used to my digressive ramblings at this point).

Lent is about reflecting on the days leading up to the death and resurrection of Christ. This season is about thinking through how God was so desirous of our restoration that he was willing to sacrifice so much so that we could be drawn back to Him. What's even more marvelous to me though, is the idea that God still allows us to "taste and see that the Lord is good." I mean, with that much sacrifice, He is still willing to give us the latitude to taste His goodness, kick the tires, and test His faithfulness out for ourselves. His patience is outstanding, but I guess when you're eternal, 6 or 2 or 10 or 20 years of wandering in the proverbial wilderness are nothing. Thank God for His eternal patience.

As I enter into this lenten season, I am entering with a perspective that I don't think I've had in any previous season of my life, lenten or otherwise. I am a part of a greater plan that I didn't start and can't finish. I am a part of a greater story for God's glory and I was created to bring glory to the name that is above every name and who is seeking to draw all people to himself. It's extremely liberating to know that it's not my deal to start, fix, or finish. My deal is to submit and ask God, "what's next?" My job is to move out of the way so that God can be fully God without me fighting to wrest control for my life and my part of the story from his grasp. It's freeing to know that my days were planned out, and while there is a part that I must play (faith without works is dead and all), ultimately it is on a path that God is leading me down if I would just let Him. So, this lent, my prayer is for the continued revealing of how I am supposed to play my part in the greater story. How are my days to be counted amongst the scores that have gone before and will come after? How am I to be my beloved's and he be mine?

What's your focus and prayer during this lent?

Stepping Back...

So, here’s the skinny.  About five years ago, I left a steady (albeit mind numbing) job at my alma matter to venture out into the world of…something.  Always a bit of a restless soul, I was unhappy with the direction (or what I felt was lack thereof) from some of my superiors and the sense of ineptitude I was covering for on a regular basis.  So, I struck out on my own- into the vast sea of supposed (that’s suppose-ed) opportunity seeing what my hand could find to do.  Now, several years later, with much more wisdom and much less naïveté, I find myself facing a crossroads.  It’s hinted at in my last post, but let me expound a little bit.  I want more.

As I have previously stated, I grew up in a house of dreamers, a house of believers in the impossible, and quite honestly, I think I adopted much of that thinking.  In fact, my sister has taken to classifying me as the believer out of the three siblings (she’s the dreamer, and my youngest is the striver/achiever- makes for a really great tattoo should I ever man up and get one).  I see what it is possible to do or be, should that be in writing, creative enterprise, people’s lives, job potential, saving Ethiopian jungle pumas (ok, I made that last one up), and I know that it can and will happen.  So I strive towards the goal of whatever that thing is with faith like a monster and an unquenchable fervor.  It’s served me well in some instances, like when rallying the troops in the last hours of an event when they’re all tired and underpaid, like believing with a friend for a miracle that seems to be slipping out of his or her grasp, the list could go on.  But I sometimes and currently find myself fearing that I’m doing myself a disservice by extending that same thing to me.  What I mean is, I’ve been believing that my God given connections, hard work, and skill sets would pay off, knowing that I am called to something more, and not understanding why the time for that more isn’t happening in the timeframe a little closer to my choosing.  I mean, I have friends who are already well on their way to successful careers- and yet I still struggle with monthly bills.

So, I’ve taken jobs that have been rife with potential, believing that the fulfilled potential was just around the corner, even if it meant I had to struggle and suffer a little bit right now.  While that’s a great idea, and one that I don’t necessarily disagree with, that “right now” season has been about five years long.  It might be time for a change.  That change might (and probably does) mean a reintroduction into the corporate workforce that I have eschewed for so long, and a momentary tabling of (not giving up on) these lofty dreams and ideals to which I have held for so long.  In short, I think I’m temporarily throwing in the towel on working on my dreams, just so that I can live my life.  That doesn’t mean I’m not going to dream, nor does it mean I’m going out looking for the first job that comes my way.  It does mean that the pursuit of where I see myself ultimately is not important right now.  If I get there, I get there, and I have little control over that process right now, save continuing to be myself, with all the dreams and passion bubbling right below the surface.  Right now, I have to live basic life, the kind with the eating, strong friendships, deep conversations, and fun that I haven’t had in abundance throughout the past several years.  I need to be a 27 year old man who has 60+ years ahead of him to fulfill whatever the heck it is he’s supposed to in this life.  I wish that day was today, but since it’s not…plan b.

Why the change of heart? This all came to a head last night.  I spent the good majority of the night in various stages of discomfort in a hospital waiting room, then triage room, then exam room having tests run and blood drawn, x-rays shot, and IVs pumped all because I had the misfortune of contracting some virus that presented me with a 104^o fever and lots of other, well… bad stuff.  As I sat in the discharge center and they plied me with questions that were about as invasive as some of the tests, the gravity of it all hit me.  I have limited resources (that’s a nice way to say that I’m broke), no insurance, and no prospects of getting any anytime soon should current situations continue.  I’ve got a job I love, but it too is so much potential.  The cycle is again repeating itself- and at some point it has to stop.  So I choose that day to be today.  So, monster.com, and whatever else is out there, I’m coming for you, and you’re going to yield your secrets and point me in the direction of jobs and stability.  Friendships that are deeper and more abiding, keep an eye out, I’m headed your way too, we’ve been apart for far too long, food- it’ll be good to see you again in regular and larger quantities, and to any naysayers (internal or external), I’ve not given up.  As Captain John Paul Jones said, “I have not yet begun to fight,” I’m just making a strategic retreat for now.  And maybe that’s grace for me right now.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I've got this girl cousin who THINKS she knows me...no wait, that's not where I want to start...but remember it, so I don't have to say it again.

I'm sick...101 degree fever, some type of virus my doctor said...stay in bed with daily doses of ______ and ____________ until the fever breaks, which said nothing about how I would deal with the fatigue and dizziness and sinus headaches and congestion and shallow breathing. But doctor's orders are doctor's orders so, "in bed" is where I've been for more hours in the past 5 days than in probably the last 3 weeks. Seriously. I'm used to being busy. I'm used to running on fumes and not even recognizing that I'm doing it. I've just become accustomed to operating on little to no sleep. But had I become used to operating in a manner that was anything but optimal?

My girl cousin said to me: maybe God wants you to get some rest. Did I take that as blasphemy? Almost. I was offended, as though I was so hard headed that God would have to get His point across like this...like I had ignored so many gentle nudges until finally, I had to be knocked on my butt. Just today, when asking me about something that she'd no doubt asked me about before, and which I'd no doubt had an answer (not quite rehearsed, but just as polished) about where it was located very near to the top of my list of priorities, but not quite number 1 at the moment...she said: "i know that ur a busy man w/tons of things on ur plate. (that's my nice way of saying you're forgetful some times)" Okay...ouch! Not the best way to ask for my help...by calling me on my stuff. Well, that would be if I was so prideful as not to see when a good stabbing was deserved.

But is God's grace in this situation turning around a bad situation and mining the essential minerals of goodness out of it? I've gotten a chance to actually do some work while lying in this bed, as opposed to talking about doing the work...whenever I finally got a chance. And, oh goodness, is their time to think!!! This, I've found is helpful for real prioritization...the kind that is determined by plan and not by circumstance. I will never tell my cousin that she knows me, because she will eventually find out anyway. She's won too easily already and should have to work for something, shouldn't she? Don't answer that. I'm convinced of it and that settles it for me. Thanks anyway and thanks for listening.