So, here’s the skinny. About five years ago, I left a steady (albeit mind numbing) job at my alma matter to venture out into the world of…something. Always a bit of a restless soul, I was unhappy with the direction (or what I felt was lack thereof) from some of my superiors and the sense of ineptitude I was covering for on a regular basis. So, I struck out on my own- into the vast sea of supposed (that’s suppose-ed) opportunity seeing what my hand could find to do. Now, several years later, with much more wisdom and much less naïveté, I find myself facing a crossroads. It’s hinted at in my last post, but let me expound a little bit. I want more.
As I have previously stated, I grew up in a house of dreamers, a house of believers in the impossible, and quite honestly, I think I adopted much of that thinking. In fact, my sister has taken to classifying me as the believer out of the three siblings (she’s the dreamer, and my youngest is the striver/achiever- makes for a really great tattoo should I ever man up and get one). I see what it is possible to do or be, should that be in writing, creative enterprise, people’s lives, job potential, saving Ethiopian jungle pumas (ok, I made that last one up), and I know that it can and will happen. So I strive towards the goal of whatever that thing is with faith like a monster and an unquenchable fervor. It’s served me well in some instances, like when rallying the troops in the last hours of an event when they’re all tired and underpaid, like believing with a friend for a miracle that seems to be slipping out of his or her grasp, the list could go on. But I sometimes and currently find myself fearing that I’m doing myself a disservice by extending that same thing to me. What I mean is, I’ve been believing that my God given connections, hard work, and skill sets would pay off, knowing that I am called to something more, and not understanding why the time for that more isn’t happening in the timeframe a little closer to my choosing. I mean, I have friends who are already well on their way to successful careers- and yet I still struggle with monthly bills.
So, I’ve taken jobs that have been rife with potential, believing that the fulfilled potential was just around the corner, even if it meant I had to struggle and suffer a little bit right now. While that’s a great idea, and one that I don’t necessarily disagree with, that “right now” season has been about five years long. It might be time for a change. That change might (and probably does) mean a reintroduction into the corporate workforce that I have eschewed for so long, and a momentary tabling of (not giving up on) these lofty dreams and ideals to which I have held for so long. In short, I think I’m temporarily throwing in the towel on working on my dreams, just so that I can live my life. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to dream, nor does it mean I’m going out looking for the first job that comes my way. It does mean that the pursuit of where I see myself ultimately is not important right now. If I get there, I get there, and I have little control over that process right now, save continuing to be myself, with all the dreams and passion bubbling right below the surface. Right now, I have to live basic life, the kind with the eating, strong friendships, deep conversations, and fun that I haven’t had in abundance throughout the past several years. I need to be a 27 year old man who has 60+ years ahead of him to fulfill whatever the heck it is he’s supposed to in this life. I wish that day was today, but since it’s not…plan b.
Why the change of heart? This all came to a head last night. I spent the good majority of the night in various stages of discomfort in a hospital waiting room, then triage room, then exam room having tests run and blood drawn, x-rays shot, and IVs pumped all because I had the misfortune of contracting some virus that presented me with a 104o fever and lots of other, well… bad stuff. As I sat in the discharge center and they plied me with questions that were about as invasive as some of the tests, the gravity of it all hit me. I have limited resources (that’s a nice way to say that I’m broke), no insurance, and no prospects of getting any anytime soon should current situations continue. I’ve got a job I love, but it too is so much potential. The cycle is again repeating itself- and at some point it has to stop. So I choose that day to be today. So, monster.com, and whatever else is out there, I’m coming for you, and you’re going to yield your secrets and point me in the direction of jobs and stability. Friendships that are deeper and more abiding, keep an eye out, I’m headed your way too, we’ve been apart for far too long, food- it’ll be good to see you again in regular and larger quantities, and to any naysayers (internal or external), I’ve not given up. As Captain John Paul Jones said, “I have not yet begun to fight,” I’m just making a strategic retreat for now. And maybe that’s grace for me right now.
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