Grace?

So, you know how (or maybe you don't) you start off in a new church and you don't know anybody? You're cool with that though because church hasn't become a social place for you yet. You're only going Sunday after Sunday because everytime you come, you feel right. People start noticing that you can do incredible things...like read, speak English and smile...and then all the requests start coming in: pray for this, preach at that, motivational speak and uplift them, etc.

Whereas before you were just an unknown, now you feel like an outcast. With the hopes and the eyes of a community on you, every word speaks of your incredible potential and declares that you are capable of things that kids aren't used to hearing. To those for whom this is not autobiographical, think Obama-nia x 40 and then scaled down to loosely fit a 13 year old.

Things start to get heavy and really grown and maybe you just want to fit in because you didn't plan on being "the different one" forever. So, you try to do things with the cool kids, but they won't let you. You're FAR too insulted and insecure to see that they're trying to preserve that special thing about you that would only be tainted by "cool kid activities." You'll never really make it to "cool kid" status. Even if you get where they were and do what they do, you'll lack the comfort in it that they possessed, which is what really made them cool in the first place.

Whatever the case, you'll probably never get there...but you will take your eye off of your special-ness...your "God is my BEST friend and a character like Christ's is my only aspiration" sentiments...and all that jazz. Good things will happen that will make you feel safe in your dismissal. Bad things will happen that will make you latch onto something - sometimes the God you dismissed, sometimes the stuff you picked up during that weird phase of in-betweeness...Jesus Freak - Cool Kid...Jesus Freak - Cool Kid...Jesus Fr...

Then one day, you'll wake up, realizing it's not good things and bad things - it's LIFE and you are completely incapable of doing it (much less, thriving in it) using the stuff you took. You've got to revert to what you were GIVEN. That relationship with God that made you alright with being the kid nobody knew. That "imaginary friend" conception of God where He was always right next to you, but the people looking only saw you.

Grace might be like God having an extraordinary amount of patience in playing hide and go seek with me, knowing where I'm hiding every time, but letting me think I'm hidden because simply believing I have ability is so key to my personal development. Then, when I've grown up and I've tired of seeing what things I can do just for the sake of doing them, God will play another game with me where I can develop, prayerfully, without wasting so much time trying to hide.